Browse our humour ebooks….

CUT’s humour genre comprises short ebooks which have sections of humorous, amusing, or funny content. They don’t necessarily have amusement as their central theme, so humour may well be their secondary genre. In some cases our humour short stories are serious, yet still contain some dry, satirical wit, possibly to relieve tension. They differ from our comedy short stories, which have amusement as their primary purpose. 

Cut Back Flat
Double the rent or half a flat. Your choice. "Cut Back Flat ‘Bit of building work, Miss. George sent us round.’ George is the landlord, and for a moment I entertain some unlikely concepts. Things like upgrade and home improvement run through my mind, pushing darker thoughts down. There are two of them, both men obviously. They troop into my flat in a pile up of battered metal boxes and lengths of sawn timber. One is older, in his 50s, sort of lumpy, not fat but fleshy with exaggerated features. His shoulder length hair is slicked back to the point of recession. The other one could be my age, but is probably younger. He has that gaunt look acquired through serious and dedicated smoking, yellow fingers and teeth to match. They are both in white overalls, though the younger one has somehow rolled his down and is wearing them like hipster jeans, an inch of toned stomach between the waistline and his black tee shirt. He grins lopsided when he catches me looking. They start in the front room with a line drawn down the middle of the bay window. The column of concrete which divides the four panes is struck through in no time, but then the radiator underneath poses a problem, and they are seized by a fit of contemplation. There is a lot of head shaking. Teeth are sucked, pencils gnawed. They unroll a set of plans, consult in mumbles and hisses. More head shaking, loud exhalations through pursed lips. I try to get a look at what’s on the paper, but from my tentative perch on the sofa, the maze of lines bears no resemblance to my mental framing of home..."
Cut Back Flat
Andy Gaskins
£1.29 Added
Double the rent or half a flat. Your choice. "Cut Back Flat ‘Bit of building work, Miss. George sent us round.’ George is the landlord, and for a moment I entertain some unlikely concepts. Things like upgrade and home improvement run through my mind, pushing darker thoughts down. There are two of them, both men obviously. They troop into my flat in a pile up of battered metal boxes and lengths of sawn timber. One is older, in his 50s, sort of lumpy, not fat but fleshy with exaggerated features. His shoulder length hair is slicked back to the point of recession. The other one could be my age, but is probably younger. He has that gaunt look acquired through serious and dedicated smoking, yellow fingers and teeth to match. They are both in white overalls, though the younger one has somehow rolled his down and is wearing them like hipster jeans, an inch of toned stomach between the waistline and his black tee shirt. He grins lopsided when he catches me looking. They start in the front room with a line drawn down the middle of the bay window. The column of concrete which divides the four panes is struck through in no time, but then the radiator underneath poses a problem, and they are seized by a fit of contemplation. There is a lot of head shaking. Teeth are sucked, pencils gnawed. They unroll a set of plans, consult in mumbles and hisses. More head shaking, loud exhalations through pursed lips. I try to get a look at what’s on the paper, but from my tentative perch on the sofa, the maze of lines bears no resemblance to my mental framing of home..."
Cloud 9
Naomi Richardson
£0.99 Added
Morgan is concerned about her mother... ‘She’s been living at the Cloud 9 care home for a few months now and in that time her memory seems to have gone downhill rapidly. It’s probably just the effects of the move, but it’s a real worry and as her only daughter I feel totally responsible for her. This parent, child reversal thing is a steep learning curve'. 'I chuckle to myself as I recall my visit with Mum yesterday. There we were in the communal lounge, often a fairly dismal place – bewildered people, mostly women, sitting marooned around the walls. It can be an uncomfortable void at times; a fretful silence, a waiting for something to happen, but yesterday? Well, yesterday was completely different'. How will Morgan handle what happens next?
The Daddy In The Box
Naomi Richardson
£1.29 Added
It’s early 1950’s and 4-year-old Ruth is embarking on a new phase of her young life. She’s off to live at the seaside, with her great aunts, Constance, Rose and Pearly Trice. The story covers the next few years of Ruth’s life as she struggles to come to terms with the mystery surrounding her father and the bewildering behaviour of adults. ‘Ruth is in seventh heaven, sticky with candyfloss and riding high on a wild, painted horse. Music whirls and giggles in her ears and she never, ever wants to let go. She sees Mummy is watching from below and is giddy with her own power. Back down on the ground floating ducks bob and beckon and the exciting drama of winning prizes unfolds. Ruth manages to catch one of the little yellow ducks on the end of her fishing rod and wins a beach ball. She discovers that winning is wildly intoxicating and is well and truly hooked.
White Rabbits
Stephen Tyson
£0.99 Added
Paul Marshall appeared out of nowhere. The hazy autumn sky had just started to darken, and I was sitting in the bus-shelter killing time.
The Gracie and Bella War
Sandra Horn
£0.99 Added
Nobody knew exactly when or why the war started. Some people thought it was Fred's earrings, but it went back a long way before that.
The Blatherskite
Terence D Forster
£1.99 Added
Two sisters, one sister quiet and assuring and one sister a little overwhelming and demanding.
Collision Theory
Kath McKay
£1.29 Added
When she was seventy four my mother began corresponding with an elderly Scottish widower called Robert who was working on a maths problem. She got a ticket to the university library. A tiny woman, my mother: young people towered above her. ‘But they showed me how the computers worked, how to scan in books,’ she assured me on her regular phone call. I imagined they treated her as a member of a rare species, surprised to find her in their territory. She soon spent days immersed in Californian maths and physics journals. Amongst the formal jargon were spattered Californian idioms: gotten, freshen up, dude.
Nine Signs to Shilbottle
James Roderick Burns
£0.99 Added
The day after the great storm, Miss Prendergast sent out Milo Patrick to see what damage it had done to the roads around the village.
Horror Story
Paul Sutton Reeves
£0.99 Added
A boat trip on the fens with the ghost of Conrad...
Closing in Five
Colin Watts
£1.29 Added
I was sitting with Sal in the Strawberry Fields café on Penny Lane. Sal of the orange hair, black leggings and red lipstick. Sal, with the dark voice, who I fancied something rotten. Sal, who scared the shit out of me...
A Feast of Flash Fictions
Brindley Hallam Dennis
£0.99 Added
Ten Flash Fictions, from 449, to 96 words short...illicit affairs and railroad crashes, murderous spouses and vengeful neighbours.
Milo and the Millennium Bug
Leslie Wilkie
£0.99 Added
Much has been written about the effects of the millennium bug...I was responsible for saving my crew from this dreadful disease...
The Medicine Man
Leslie Wilkie
£0.99 Added
A Ship's doctor's trials and tribulations.
Dummies Don't Talk
Ray Lawrence
£1.99 Added
Lenny Waterman thought he could throw his voice. He couldn't - as a Ventriloquist he would have given Archie Andrews palpitations - and then he met with a mysterious old Romany lady who gave him a gift that would change his life forever...
A Sheila called Sheila
Leslie Wilkie
£0.99 Added
Students take gap years between A levels and university - I took mine when my wife left me for the milkman...
A Rat's Tale
G Mills
£1.29 Added
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Doctor Dominic du Mortier and I am a hundred and sixty one years old. No no, stay where you are please. It’s not that I’m unwilling to shake your hand, please don’t think that. It’s really more a case of my being unable. Permit me to explain. I am beyond reach. And behind glass. And a rodent. Nothing special you understand – just a Rattus norvegicus, or a common brown rat to you. Oh yes, and dead. Did I mention that?
Taking Your Clothes Off in the Dark
Anne Jenner
£1.29 Added
It's only the intrepid who venture into the world of arranged romance. Amelia casts her fate to the winds of change and learns that not all migrating birds make it home safely.
The Emancipation of Margot Feather
Elizabeth Stott
£0.99 Added
Margot could have danced, but she bashes away on an old typewriter in her husband's carpet business. Feather's Carpet Empire had never amounted to much, and had her husband listened to her, things could have been very different. But, one day, she hears a voice from the fire escape...
One Of My Passengers Is Missing
Ray Lawrence
£1.29 Added
Benny Green is worried - passengers are vanishing from his taxi cab and the Police are getting interested. Where are they vanishing to? Benny is desperate to find out...
The Waiting Room
Helen Stockton
£0.99 Added
If you've ever sat in a doctor's waiting room, wondering how long you are going to have to wait and what you're going to catch whilst you're waiting, then this is the story for you...
Disappointed
Ian Cassidy
£0.99 Added
Following the death of her husband Nellie makes a return journey to one of their favorite haunts, only to discover it is not the same without him.
Follow the Brolly
Leslie Wilkie
£0.99 Added
My first impression of the cruise liner was of a great white block of flats...
Stop, Look and Listen
Akeem Balogun
£1.29 Added
Stop, Look and Listen is a short collection of flash fiction pieces. It features Escape, a story about a son who wants to keep his parents together for the sake of his father, Mannequin, a creepy tale about a husband and his wife's disappearance, as well as the titular story Stop, Look and Listen, an exploration of life through instructions. The collection also includes other pieces by Akeem Balogun that have appeared in various publications throughout his writing career. Stop, Look and Listen is an enjoyable read that will appeal to all fans of the short story form as well as to any reader who is entertained by writing that is precise, fun and thought-provoking.
Early Days
Leyla Leyton
£0.99 Added
I walked away alone. Tears sprung quickly but not unexpectedly to my eyes - I realised I was now alone!
Basil
Helen Pizzey
£1.29 Added
Peter's quiet night in is high-jacked by a complete stranger...
Widow's Peak
Sylvia Petter
£1.29 Added
a woman's revenge on the men who betrayed her.
Up The Downstairs
Edward Cartner
£0.99 Added
A jaded city commuter and office worker is unexpectedly invited to 'break free' from the herd. His joy is short-lived and he is quickly returned to the treadmill. He will never meet her like again. There will be no repetition - or will there?
Emily Bronte Unbound
Stephen Shieber
£0.99 Added
Moving into your first flat with a lover is a stressful time, but when precious objects become damaged, there'll be tears before bedtime. Thank goodness for the Bronte family band!
Being Normal
Stephen Shieber
£0.99 Added
My father was a painter and decorator. An artisan, he called himself, in his effusive moments. What he meant was that he slapped up posh wallpapers in houses he quietly lusted after.
That Good Night
Clive Collins
£0.99 Added
Brian Finnegan hates parties, but tonight the party is for him - and he has to make a speech.
Em Pulls a Stunt
Frank Woods
£0.99 Added
Em has fallen for her BMX instructor. When he does the dirty, she turns the tables in spectacular style.
Dirty Work
When a bank forecloses on a company it's a case of numbers of a spreadsheet, but for those giving and receiving the news... things are more immediate. Bad news travels fast, so we had to travel faster. This, in essence, was the notion that guided us. You get it, you give it, you move on. Do it right and you’re away before things get messy, before the condemned have had time to let the reality of their new circumstances sink in, before that hollow look they get in their eyes has had a chance to take root in your memory. Do it that way and it’s smooth and efficient. Do it that way and it’s as close as something like this gets to being a job well done. And that’s generally how it went. Most of the time. This particular call came in late morning one Christmas Eve and swiftly killed off any hopes I’d had of any early finish. That disappointment was then exacerbated by the fact my car wouldn’t start, having been left parked up with the lights on for a few days. I’d been drinking most nights, medicating a malaise that often reared its head around that time of year. Happily, my thirst meshed well with the festive season. Our office’s underlying culture of functional alcoholism always received a shot in the arm that time of year. Yet, that morning as I sat in the car park turning the key in hope and then without, I wasn’t feeling all that functional. Jump leads and attempted push starts proved useless. The battery didn’t need so much a mechanic as a coroner. I was calling a taxi to take me to the train station when Russell Boyd sauntered over, all three-piece suit and Italian loafers. He sparked up ceremoniously and took a long pull before acknowledging me. It never did to be too cosy with the underlings. “Shouldn’t you be out bringing comfort and joy to the masses?” he asked. I explained the situation. Russell’s smoke curled in my direction. “Where to?” “Grantham, Lincolnshire.” “Sounds a shithole.” He paused a moment, as if sounding out a thought and finding that it pleased him, “I’ll drive you.” I laughed and waited for the punchline. It came in the form of the central locking system of his gleaming, bottle-green Jaguar yipping eagerly to attention..."
Dirty Work
Paul Lahert
£1.59 Added
When a bank forecloses on a company it's a case of numbers of a spreadsheet, but for those giving and receiving the news... things are more immediate. Bad news travels fast, so we had to travel faster. This, in essence, was the notion that guided us. You get it, you give it, you move on. Do it right and you’re away before things get messy, before the condemned have had time to let the reality of their new circumstances sink in, before that hollow look they get in their eyes has had a chance to take root in your memory. Do it that way and it’s smooth and efficient. Do it that way and it’s as close as something like this gets to being a job well done. And that’s generally how it went. Most of the time. This particular call came in late morning one Christmas Eve and swiftly killed off any hopes I’d had of any early finish. That disappointment was then exacerbated by the fact my car wouldn’t start, having been left parked up with the lights on for a few days. I’d been drinking most nights, medicating a malaise that often reared its head around that time of year. Happily, my thirst meshed well with the festive season. Our office’s underlying culture of functional alcoholism always received a shot in the arm that time of year. Yet, that morning as I sat in the car park turning the key in hope and then without, I wasn’t feeling all that functional. Jump leads and attempted push starts proved useless. The battery didn’t need so much a mechanic as a coroner. I was calling a taxi to take me to the train station when Russell Boyd sauntered over, all three-piece suit and Italian loafers. He sparked up ceremoniously and took a long pull before acknowledging me. It never did to be too cosy with the underlings. “Shouldn’t you be out bringing comfort and joy to the masses?” he asked. I explained the situation. Russell’s smoke curled in my direction. “Where to?” “Grantham, Lincolnshire.” “Sounds a shithole.” He paused a moment, as if sounding out a thought and finding that it pleased him, “I’ll drive you.” I laughed and waited for the punchline. It came in the form of the central locking system of his gleaming, bottle-green Jaguar yipping eagerly to attention..."
The Barber's Victim
Derek Neale
£1.59 Added
"Barbers incarcerate you. That's a fact, whatever the hairstyle, however free the expense". A boy is traumatized by what a haircut reveals.
Erratics
Derek Neale
£1.29 Added
'The habit started when he was seven. A ball, thrown hard and long and with unforgiving inaccuracy by his father, was not retrieved from a neighbour's garden.'
Kontakte
Jonathan Taylor
£0.99 Added
A story about Derek, Stockhausen, electronic music, and the ducks in Acton Park.
First Communion
Bea Davenport
£0.99 Added
A little girl's First Communion day - when temptation arrives in the form of a bag of sweets
In Good Order
Sarah Salway
£0.99 Added
A story for everyone who has wondered how to organise their book shelves...
 
 

 

 

 

   

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